Christmas films. The genre is strange in that it’s the one that can be only enjoyed at a specific time of year. Horror films may be more thrilling in October, but it is socially acceptable to view them whenever. Watching It’s A Wonderful Life in June though? Weirdo.
To celebrate this year’s festivities, I’ve been having a Christmas film marathon. Every day since December 1st, I’ve been randomly selecting a film and watching them. Admittedly I haven’t stuck to my plan properly. Firstly because I grow bored of routines pretty quickly, and secondly because the films I’ve drawn so far have been absolutely dire.
Which brings us to today’s article: the worst four Christmas films I’ve seen (in no particular order). Let’sa go!
Fred Claus: The sad thing about this film is that – meandering subplots aside – it threatens to have a certain epicness to it. They lean heavily towards the dramatic side, probably a good idea considering Vince ‘I’m Talking So It Must Be Funny’ Vaughn is in it. One problem… They’re trying to create Shakespeare with a story about Santa’s brother! What a mind bogglingly stupid story! And what a misjudged way to tell said story. This is a story where fart jokes and slapstick are welcomed. Instead, we get oodles of sentimentality and a Stephen Baldwin cameo.
Santa With Muscles: Starring Hulk Hogan. Need I say more? Actually, I will. If you’re a fan of Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace, you should remember a deliberately hammy scene where Rick Dagless talks to a sick child as an ego boost. Now imagine Hogan in an orphanage and you’ll invoke the same imagery. Elsewhere, there are many plot holes. Mainly, they throw shit at the wall to see if it sticks, hoping the ‘shock’ factor will overshadow the fact there’s no narrative. Hogan and the bad guy are brothers. Mentioned once, never again. I loathe this film. It’s not even so bad it’s good.
Santa Who?: All the characters in this Miracle in 34th Street knock-off are unlikeable. Peter Albright – a man in his mid-30’s – acts like an emo because Santa didn’t get his letter when he was eight. And Peter’s girlfriend’s son Zack takes being a spoiled brat to the extreme, continually moaning about Santa’s real identity until the adults pay attention. That’s a great moral message for all the whining shitbags out there: moan until you render Mummy and Daddy defenseless against your demands. Thanks for that, Santa Who?
Christmas With The Kranks: This film is so bad I haven’t finished it yet, making it the only film in years I’ve willingly turned off. Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis want to take a cruise vacation for Christmas because it’s cheaper, and it’s a lot better than staying in their rainy hometown. The Christmas obsessed neighbours, however, think they’re complete bastards for skipping out on normal routine. The way the film was going when I turned off, the neighbours were due to realise they’re being obsessive. But ultimately, Tim and Jamie will see that skipping Christmas is not a good idea. YOU MUST CONFORM! SPEND MONEY! CAPITALISM IS AWESOME!
And there you have it. Merry Christmas.
Chris Wilson
I’ll admit to being a little fond of Christmas With The Kranks. Watched it at the movie theater the day I moved houses on December 15, 2004. One of the few films I’ve seen with my mom past the turn of the millennium.